Marriage and the Academy | Faculty Commons

Joseph McRae Mellichamp,
Emeritus Professor of Management Science
The University of Alabama

[Dec 7, 2008] —

“I wrecked two marriages before earning tenure, and it wasn’t worth it.”

A professor had come up to me several years ago, at the conclusion of a “How to Make Tenure” seminar at Oklahoma State University, and began telling me his marital woes.

He explained: “You were right when you said, ‘If tenure is your be-all, end-all goal in life, you’ll be sadly disappointed when you achieve it. Many things are more important, such as your relationship with your Creator, family, friends, and community.’”

Peggy and I are approaching 50 years of married life together, many of which were spent in a university setting, and I thought it might be helpful to share two practices that have helped us along the way.

Being 100% Engaged

First, I tried to be at home nights and weekends, to leave my work at the office when I left, and to be 100 percent engaged with Peggy and our two children when I was home. This involved helping with the children and with household chores.

A professor at Purdue University affirmed this principle when she remarked, “I decided that if I couldn’t be a good wife and mother and earn tenure at Purdue, God wasn’t calling me into academia.” She earned tenure. Change “wife and mother” to “husband and father” and the same principle applies. We each must determine what constitutes a reasonable expenditure of effort at work and what is reasonable for other life endeavors.

I remember reading a newspaper article about a colleague who said, “I have no hobbies, I work seven days and nights a week, my profession is my life!” God knows who we are competing against in academia, and He promises that if we put Him first in our lives, He will take care of everything else (Matthew 6:33), including our families and jobs.

Over and over in my career I saw Him take the effort and time I devoted to my career and multiply that resulting in publications, research funding and recognition which I could not account for in human terms.

One Thing I Could Do Each Week

Second, I like what Stephen Covey’s “First Things First” seminar asks: “What is the one thing you could do each week in each area of your life that would help you succeed in that area?”

Peggy and I both enjoy movies. Years ago we started what we called “Friday Night at the Movies.” We tried to have one night each week—not always Fridays — when we got away from home. Watching movies on TV at home did not count. It required having a baby-sitter when our children were small, but it allowed the two of us to relax, possibly have dinner, and enjoy a good movie.

So take it from someone who has been around the block in the academy. You married a guy or a girl, not a university. The university is a terrible mistress— consuming all of your time and energy if you let it, only to forget you one day. Don’t let that happen.