Elaine Petty,
Endowment for Community Leadership,
Washington D.C.
[March 4, 2014]–
For conversations that count we’re learning to be experientially current, purposely connective, and to focus increasingly on developing our conversational skills.
Conversations that count arise out of the gospel’s transformation in our own lives as well as the willingness to notice, to connect, to engage with those around us. Yet, we also want to share the truths of the gospel in ways that engage the other person.
To share those truths in compelling and emotionally intelligent ways, we’re trying to:
1. Be active listeners.
Good conversation begins with good listening, not forming any preconceptions about another’s beliefs and not focusing on what we want to say next. We have to listen to what the person is really saying. The Book of Proverbs reminds us that “He who answers before listening — that is his folly and shame. The ears of the wise seek it out.”—Proverbs 18:13,15
Pay special attention to statements that might be used as an entree into more of the gospel.
2. Ask Questions.
Questions help make a person think. They allow the truth to surface, creating both curiosity and the means by which a person might evaluate the strengths of their beliefs.
We often ask, for example, clarifying questions. What do you mean by _________? or to the statement, “I’m a pretty good person so I think I’ll get into heaven,” we might ask: “What do you mean by good?” A taxi driver recently said he was a free thinker. The conversation continued at a much deeper level when I simply asked “what do you mean by free thinker?”
As you practice active listening by asking lots of questions, also use questions that surface uncertainty, that perhaps expose false beliefs and cracks in foundational beliefs.
As we are relationally connecting, we might simply ask initial and followup questions:
Initial Question: Do you think all religious beliefs basically teach the same thing?
Followup Question: How is it possible for all religions to be the same when some of them contradict each other’s key beliefs?
Initial Question: Do you think that all people will be held accountable for the way they live?
Followup question: If so, what do you think the standard will be?
Or consider how you might respond—indirectly—to a statement or comment.
In a recent conversation with a colleague, he said, “I’m fascinated with Hinduism, although many of my questions remain unanswered.” Our conversation went to a much greater depth when I responded, “I’m fascinated with Christianity. Not all my questions are answered, but those that have been are significant.”
3. Build a Bridge.
As we practice active listening and discover the power of asking good questions, we’re looking for common ground and for a means to build a bridge to the gospel.
My husband is an engineer and he constantly reminds me that you can’t build a bridge in a day. It takes time. We’re comfortable, as we conduct conversations that count, to help construct that bridge.
(c) Elaine Petty 2014